By now we have been blissfully held in matrimony for a little over a year and boy what a wild ride it has been. Due to the fact that we are living our “happily ever now” I realized I have a few things I need to say to you that are of utter importance.
1. You need to shut your dirty whore mouth about new Fall Out Boy music when you are in the car with me. I totally get that you “really love old Fall Out Boy music”, but they are my life blood. They basically create my theme music for life. When the world finally realizes my potential, my made-for-TV-movie will showcase so much FOB music, Andy Hurley will be ringing me up begging for my autograph.
2. You are an impeccable cook. Which is probably really good, because while I can survive off of my BooBerry Crunch Cereal and skim milk with a side of Oreos, I don’t think I should. For that, you deserve a medal.
3. If you leave your sticky, stinky, icky socks laying around my living room ONE MORE TIME, I will politely ask you to throw them in the hamper again. and again. and again. Cause I understand, you have had a long day at work. But dude, come on. And when I say “hamper”, no, the bathroom floor doesn’t count. And neither does the itty bitty spot in front of the washer.
4. Can we be really honest for two seconds, or however long it takes you to read this? I cannot believe that you have not strangled me. Or poked out my eyeballs. Or whatever else you threaten me with when I purposely irritate you. But
letsbehonest, I am ohSoGood at that! You is welcome.
5.You makes me laugh so hard, especially late at night when I know for a fact that you are trying to go to bed, but yet you will entertain me for minutes on end. Tater Tot Toes????!!!?? Still brings tears to my eyeballs.
6. I truly appreciate the fact that you laugh at my jokes, even when they are not funny. But you try. And for that I applaud you. But for real, I am super funny. Barka thinks so.
7. Gee Golly Whiz, you are such a pain in the booty, but you are also such a gentleman. I don’t know how you balance the best of both worlds, you must have taken a leaf out of Hannah Montana’s book cause you do it oh so well.
8. Thank you for loving me enough that you wanted to invite the government into our relationship. No really, marriage is the bomb.
9. I know you say that you respect me too much to actually take a shot at me while we play paintball, but I know the truth. You are terrified of my warrior ways. I don’t blame you, I am pretty B.A.
10. We are not the same people we were when we got married. And we have been through a lot in the past year. But you still respect and cherish me. You light up my world like a light bug, you steal my covers, make me sleep next to the door so I am the first one to get murdered when a deranged serial killer breaks in, watch Disney movies on our VCR while snuggling with our Fub-babies on the couch, you don’t quite understand my obsession with all things Harry or Ariel, but you have never made me feel inadequate about it. Basically, you my human. And I appreciate you. Your stinky feet, your crooked smile and your bodacious butt. :D!